Why are you human?

The first question is: “Why are you human?”

I write: “My parents.”

The form rejects this. It wants something more meaningful. I am already suspicious of a document that considers mammals an inadequate explanation for mammals.

“Do you have relationships?”

Consider a man who lives alone. No partner, no friends, nobody who checks whether he has bought milk. He could disappear from everyone’s calendar without a single appointment moving. He remains human. We have not discovered a species that expires when the group chat goes quiet.

“Are you useful?”

I would like to know who let the labour market into the fucking laboratory.

“Are you intelligent?”

Sometimes. If humanity requires consistent intelligence, I will need a temporary species for when I enter a room and forget why.

The form finally asks whether I am conscious.

This is a different question. Being human is a biological classification. Consciousness concerns whether there is something it feels like to be the creature under discussion. The category need not end at humans.

Someone asleep has not temporarily resigned from our species. An animal need not become human before its suffering matters. These distinctions seem elementary, but the form has already promoted the printer to Head of Ontology.

Researchers tested two leading theories of consciousness in a Nature study involving hundreds of participants. The results supported some predictions and challenged important claims of both. The study did not establish a universal consciousness detector. It certainly did not establish a minimum number of friends.^[1]

Our solitary man knows whether his tea tastes bitter. A visitor can watch him drink it, record his brain activity and ask what he experiences. None of this turns companionship into the ingredient that makes him someone.

The form demands independent confirmation.

He has nobody to ask.

He offers his own word. The form explains that applicants cannot certify themselves. It has certified itself as a form.

“Insufficient evidence,” it says.

He puts the rejected application under a mug. At last, the document is useful.